By John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver
ISBN-10: 1451608470
ISBN-13: 9781451608472
During this insightful ebook, celebrated study psychologist and counselor John Gottman plumbs the mysteries of affection and stocks the result of his well-known “Love Lab”: the place does love come from? Why does a few love final, and why does a few fade? and the way will we preserve it alive? in keeping with laboratory findings, this booklet indicates readers the way to determine indicators, behaviors, and attitudes that point out a fraying courting and offers suggestions for repairing what could appear misplaced or damaged.
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Extra resources for What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal
Example text
All names and identifying information have been changed. Transcripts have been edited for brevity and clarity. Some anecdotes use composite or fictive couples to illustrate Dr. Gottman’s theories. Introduction Angel: I have something to say— George: Hold on. I’m not finished. Angel: What I am trying to say— George: See and this is what I’m talking about— Angel: Right, I know, because I do not— George: You cut in— Angel: I have to say something now— George: No. Because when you cut in— Angel: I have something to say here.
Well-timed repairs are part of the dance between two people who know and trust each other. The power of one partner’s positive effect to reduce physiological signs of stress in the other is apparent across all of my studies. It has been replicated in my lab and Robert Levenson’s. So that’s the truth about the Nice box. It does exist during conflict, although it is elusive. If there is a high level of trust, you can access the Nice box for brief but critical moments during an argument, allowing for repair and thus a constructive (or, at least, less destructive) discussion.
Their physiological readouts confirm how unfazed they remain throughout the disagreement. There is no dramatic increase in their pulse rate or blood pressure. And their body language and words don’t indicate anything positive or negative. These couples are not bored with each other or apathetic about their relationship. Unlike unhappy couples, neutral ones are engaged and responsive. But they remain calm while expressing disagreement. In our study of couples in their mid-forties and sixties, I found that happy couples spent about 65 percent of their time in the Neutral box when they disagreed, compared to about 47 percent for unhappy couples.
What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal by John Gottman Ph.D., Nan Silver
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